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Thankful Restructuring
by
Emma K. ViglucciThankful RestructuringCouple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating. Find out how to change your relational style! Keep reading…SUCCESSFUL COUPLESGet On the Same Page & Create a Satisfying RelationshipCreated by Emma K. Viglucci, CFT, LMFT, CITMarriage and Family Therapist, Writer and SpeakerAssists Couples Succeed at their RelationshipFounder of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLChttp://www.metrorelationship.comCall us at 646-228-8782 or Click Here
Couple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating. Find out how to change your relational style! Keep reading…
TABLE OF CONTENTS
1. Nurturing Nugget
2. Welcome Notes3. Feature Item: Thankful Restructuring 4. Related Activity and Meditation / Visualization5. Affirmations for Couple Success6. Resources for Couple Success1. NURTURING NUGGET
Flood your partner with a litany of things you appreciate about them and that you are thankful for in them. Be Thankful for your partner!
2. WELCOME NOTES
~ WELCOME to our monthly issue of Successful Couples! And welcome to the MANY new subscribers!!
Has time slowed down, or is it my imagination? Or, maybe it’s my own experience of time… Just last week I was sharing with a colleague that in my reality it is usually Christmas by now! Time goes so fast for me that in the blink of an eye we are in the next season or year. I find I can’t fit everything in or struggle to enjoy each moment – they seem so fleeting. Not this year! It is only November, I’ve gained about two months!! The secret? I’ve focused on doing some deeper Self work. The impact and benefits have been far reaching. I continue to notice new positive results every day. I am Thankful for the all the glitches, tests, challenges, and stretch requests that come my way as they are all opportunities for growth and healing. I am Thankful for all the gifts, in all their forms, in my journey.
I share my nuggets here with the hope that you can use them to crack the codes to the impasses in your life and make leaps and bounds in your own journey. What current issue, challenge or difficulty can you reframe in your life as an opportunity for growth and healing? What is the lesson you are supposed to get? What is the skill you are supposed to learn? How does your partner play into this? Be Thankful for this opportunity to grow your Self up. Remember, the neurobiology of our brain does not allow us to be in a state of fear and appreciation at the same time. Tap into your appreciation, be Thankful, and experience a smoother path in your relationship and your life.
Have a Wonderful Thankful Thanksgiving!
Upcoming Events to Support Your Journey! Couple Enrichment Retreat (1/15/11)Making the Most of Your Internship (1/29/11) – for professionals Get Married, Stay Married (5/14/11)
Announcements:
1) I spoke at the NYAMFT-Metro on Stop the Drama, Manage the Fighting: Treating the Reactive Couple on 11/5/10. Sorry if you are a professional and missed it! You’ll have another opportunity to hear me on this topic on 2/8/11 through The Meadows. Keep your eyes peeled for additional details. This one will be open to the public.
2) I am very excited to share the launching of our Professional Workshop Series for the Beginner Therapist! If you are in a mental health masters program, recently graduated from one, or fairly recently licensed in the Mental Health field you would benefit from the material and work presented in these workshops. This is also a great way to stay connected with peers, network and grow professionally. Our first workshop: Making the Most of Your Internship is going to be held on 1/29/11.
3) I’m working on booking my speaking schedule for 2011. I still have some availability. Let me know if you are interested in having me come speak at your event or organization – we can tailor material to your audience!
Programs and Packages:
Commemorative 10 Sessions Discounted PackageAffordable Therapy Program – Very reduced rate sessions with our student interns Individual Anger Management Program – Resolve Your Anger Today (scheduled at your convenience)PreMarital Program – Get Married, Stay Married (scheduled at your convenience)
Books of the Month:
Self-EsteemYou Can Heal Your LifeWhat Happy People KnowChange Your Brain, Change Your LifeRituals for Our TimesThe Intentional Family
This issue is about relating intentionally and gracefully. Keep reading!
Thank you for reading! Please forward this issue to loved ones – they’ll automatically receive 5 BONUS RESOURCES for Couple Success when they subscribe. Thank you!!
3. FEATURE ITEM: Thankful Restructuring
Couple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating.
The temperamental relationship might appear chaotic, volatile, reactive, the partners are all over each other. The tenuous relationship might appear rigid, cold, boring, polite, a lot of rules are in place, the partners lead parallel lives. Some relationships might fluctuate between these or have traits of both.
Regardless of the relational style polarity the partners tend to create, one of the common denominators between the styles is their ineffective system structure. The couple system consists of two individual subsystems, the partners. How these are aligned within the couple system determines in part the effectiveness of information and energy flow between the partners required for building intimacy and connection. When this flow is disrupted by an inappropriate systemic structure, the partners can not be their authentic selves in their interactions nor be fully alive in their relationship.
Imagine the partners as circles. In the temperamental relationship, the partners are enmeshed with one another. Their individual circles might significantly overlap one another or one might engulf the other. In the tenuous relationship the partners are disengaged where their individual circles might be very separate, might have an obstruction in between them, or are above one another. Combination of these are possible creating more complex interactional patterns.
Imagine the couple system itself represented by a circle that contains the individual circles structure. The success of this system depends also on how the individual circles are positioned in relation to it. In some troubled couples, one or both of the individual circles might be outside the couple circle, or the couple circle is barely discernible. In these cases, the energy is leaked out of the couple system giving the partners a double whammy to deal with – funky relational structure and views.
It makes sense then that couples would struggle… And, a little mis-alignment is probably present in most couples, not just the ones screaming for help… How can couples possibly experience and enjoy synergy!? We haven’t been taught how to do relationship health and maintenance. If anything, most of us have grown up with mediocre relational role models at best.
Not to worry, good intention and an open heart is a good beginning. Then, restructure your system to its proper healthy functional order! How?
1) Mind your interactions to see if you are doing any engulfing, owning, dismissing, rejecting or other disruptive relating with your partner. Correct any tendencies to do this.
2) Accept your partner fully – you don’t have to love everything about them or agree with everything they say and do, but try to understand, get and accept them for who they are.
3) Treat your partner as an equal and invite their authentic Self to come out and play.
4) Address gender and other roles, expectations, cultural influences and differences.
5) Cooperate with each other. Set up clear responsibilities and opportunities to shine.
6) Have functional and efficient routines for taking care of the business of life. Schedule staying current discussions.
7) Have a united front, work as a team, address any obstacles standing in between you or pulling you apart.
8) Build in couple fun and intimate time. Dialogue about what it takes for you to feel special in your relationship and how to sprinkle that into your relating.
9) Re-introduce old rituals and create new ones. Intentionally interact with one another. Regularly share what you appreciate about each other.
10) Set out to create the relationship you want with your partner. Mark your calendars with your next “Relationship Check-up Chat”.
The current state and structure of your relationship is a manifestation of your and your partner’s growth opportunity. You are co-creating exactly what you each need right now in your journey to continue to grow and heal your Selves. What a beautiful and humbling treat! Don’t let the moment pass you by, savor its richness. Appreciate the way of things.
Happy Restructuring!!
4. RELATED ACTIVITY AND MEDITATION / VISUALIZATION
Discuss with your partner ways in which you can each bring more equality, respect and intention into the relationship. Share with each other one new behavior you each intend to implement to foster effective information and energy flow between you for greater connectedness and intimacy, healing and growth.
~~ In my prayer time today, I express my appreciation for all of my partner, all our challenges and all the opportunities to heal and grow.
5. AFFIRMATIONS FOR COUPLE SUCCESS
~~ I am Thankful for all I Am.
~~ We accept each other fully and appreciate all that we bring to Us.
~~ We invite and nurture our Authentic Selves in our relationship. We glow in our synergy, we transcend the mundane and bask in our light and our love.
6. RESOURCES FOR COUPLE SUCCESS
~~ Other Issues: Read other issues to assist you create a MetroRelationshipTM!
Get more insights, tips, tools and resources related to today’s content ! – And, others related to today’s content!!
~~ Recommended Books: We have a huge selection of recommended books for healing, growth and success!
Find books related to today’s content – Find more books related to today’s content!
~~ Other Great Related Resources!!
~ Couples Corner: Tidbits, Exercises, Nurturing Nuggets, Affirmations, Poems, Games and More!! ~ Links: Fun Places for Couples, Romance, Fun, Gifts, and Tons More!!!!
We can assist you create the life and relationship of your dreams!
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Note: This newsletter provides insights and resources for couples at all levels of satisfaction in their relationship. It assists couples enhance their relationship, maintain changes, and nurture the relationship and themselves. The content of this newsletter is just food for thought, a source of inspiration and ideas, and a resource. It is not intended in any way to be therapeutic or a substitute for professional assistance. The content is provided under the assumption the reader is involved in a non-abusive committed long-term relationship. Please refer to our website Disclaimer and Conditions of Use. If you believe you require further assistance than is provided here, please hire a Couple Therapist or other relevant professional. We specialize in working with Couples – you may contact us at 888-880-9055, 212-537-9055 or Click Here.
Copyright 2010 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
For Personal Use Only: May be freely copied and distributed only in its entirety provided that authorship and contact information is included.
For Professional and/or Commercial Use: The entire newsletter or its components are available for syndication. If you want to use this material in your group, class, workshop, publication, show, or any other venue, please contact us at 888-880-9055, 212-537-9055 or Click Here. We look forward to sharing our work and reaching more couples – working with you is important to us! We look forward to hearing from you!!
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